Heresies

A hacker friend sent me the following:

Sheldon Addison
Venetian Hotel                                                                                                                     Macao

Dear Newt,

Your not-so-terrific showing in the recent Republican primaries is making me reconsider whether your Presidential candidacy can realistically advance the cause of Israel.

It’s not that I haven’t appreciated your words of support over the years, but when it comes to making a case for Eretz Yisrael, my granddaughters—Caitlin, Chrissy, and Hayley—have become serious competitors for my financial support.

How can a trio of twenty-somethings influence minds in a way that a former House speaker can’t?  Well, it seems that, semi-literate blonde girls have been making history ever since Joan of Arc.  These girls are not just family.  They’re a street team who bill themselves as “Hot and Half-Jewish and What You Gonna Do ‘Bout It?”

The question is, who has been more effective generating goodwill for Israel?  You, your primary opponents, or my granddaughters?

Mitt Romney.  He seems to like the idea of Israel but might feel a stronger connection to the large number of dearly departed in the Promised Land now lining up for their free Mormon conversion.

Newt Gingrich.  There’s a Yom Kippur video showing you, Newt, jimmying open the McDonalds on Ben Yehuda Avenue so Calista can have a McRib Sandwich.  In the election business we call that an oopsie.

My granddaughters.  With little more than their bikinis and little fur shtreimels, Chrissy, Caitlin, and Hayley, created a rabid, pop-lockin’ Purim flash mob.  Only in the Orthodox part of Jerusalem did people scream, “Prostitute!”   Unfortunately, their procession never got close to the Dome of the Rock which was booked that day for a stoning.

You want to know effective, Newt?  My gorgeous girls and their little street team have also made serious inroads in enemy territory:  Hollywood.

What kind of serious inroads?   Mel Gibson invited them to his court-ordered Seder.

They’re so busy they had to reply “Maybe” to Madonna’s Evite for her Kaballah Blow-out.

I admit we still have plenty of work to do to create a convincing firewall for their Super PAC financing.  But Chrissy reassured me with this promise:  “I checked with my girl, Sarah, who’s a total bitch about money and I said, “Do you have a problem what that?” And she’s like “Nah.”

That’s outreach, bubbie.

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