George Herbert Walker Babatunde, Treasury Minister
Republic of the Congo
10 Madoff Circle
Kinshasa, Congolese Republic
Dear Mr. Babatunde:
Even though I haven’t had a chance to claim the strongbox containing fifteen million dollars ($15,000,000 US) in gold coins you’ve so kindly offered to hold for me, I wanted to thank you for continuing to keep in touch. Your thoughtful e-mailed notes with their hopes for my continued good health (and appeals to my desire for shiny things) have cheered me no end.
Although I have no memory of ever meeting a dignitary from an African republic, my recall for names and movie titles since last year’s beatdown from that bouncer at Skybar has been less than perfect. So I’m willing to take your word that we indeed had a fiduciary relationship and once went eel hunting in the Zambesi. After all, how could I doubt the word of a man who runs his country’s banking system?
In any case, I’ve wired the $1630 transfer fee your representative needs to get the metal box out of airport storage.
I’m hoping to land in Kinshasa International Airport two weeks from Saturday. Will you be sending someone to meet me with the box of gold or should I arrange pedicab transport to the Treasury offices?
Before I sign off, would you mind a bit of constructive criticism about written communications? The grammar in your emails, if I may be honest, did not befit a high government official. If there’s anything that makes me crazy, it’s lazy syntax and misapplied punctuation.
You mentioned how the unsettled military and political situation in your country makes time of the essence. And I do wish I could come sooner, but UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon swears, this time, the ATM card worth $ 8,750,000 USD from my Microsoft settlement is waiting for me in Hong Kong.
Then it’s on to Kinshasa. If you’re looking for me in baggage claim, I’ll be the guy with Jessica Biel’s hand on my ass.
Utmost Sincerity Upon You,
Chief Financial Officer, Gravitas, Baby!
P.S. How did you get my email address?