Dear MacArthur Foundation:
The MacArthur Genius grants have been announced and, once again, due to what must be an oversight, my name wasn’t included among the list of fellowship winners. If I’d been nominated, I would have demonstrated a genius for understatement with a graceful but insincere protest something like this: “There must be a mistake.”
But now that I’ve been overlooked, I have to say there’s been a mistake.
How could the foundation not recognize what’s been obvious to so many, my towering genius in these fields: creating clutter, generating resentment, and denying reality (I still think I’m the sexiest man alive, but just try to reason with the editors of “People” magazine).
It’s not as if I’m demanding a royalty for my accomplishments–I pioneered texting and walking–but won’t someone say thank you? As for my screenplay, “Hamlet vs Goodzilla,” the motion picture industry has chosen to ignore the fact that I managed the entire task in fifteen minutes. Et tu, MacArthur Foundation?
Has someone inside the organization sabotaged my application? Or is it possible that the guy on the corner who’s been debiting $39 a month from my checking account doesn’t actually have an “in” with the MacArthur board?