Obama challenges Romney to a duel

The Voice (U.S. TV series)

Following a savage rhetorical beating at the hands of his opponent, President Obama has taken the campaign battle to the Romney team with a daring, new challenge.  A one-night only singing competition between the candidates on “The Voice.”  Obama’s handlers laid out their strategy this way:  “If we can’t use actual sidearms, a free-market musical skirmish has got to be the next best way to settle this thing.”

English: Christina Aguilera sings "Can't ...

Deprived of his usual trick-bag of rhetorical traps, President Obama will have to rely on a silky falsetto and, to nudge the army of unmotivated millennial white kids, a knit beanie. With voting constituencies of challenger and incumbent hardened before the actual election day showdown, both candidates are confident a singing competition will connect them to the undecided portion of the electorate.  (Political demographers have analyzed and parsed this group into two subgroups:  1) People committed to their indecision.  2) The Re-undecided.)

English: Cee Lo

Hoping his hard luck story will resonate with the judges. Romney laid out his plan.  “I can’t imitate Al Green like Obama but I surely can make “Let’s Stay Together” my own by transforming it into a marching band piece.  It’s amazing how you can improve rhythm & blues by muffling the rhythm  with a high-velocity mixture of styrofoam and other petroleum-based products.”

Now, Mixmaster Mitt has to dig deep to find a song about deregulation that will make the chairs of Adam, Christina, and Blake spin in his direction. Until Cee-Lo Green supplies a picture I.D. and an electric bill, a Denver Boot will be clamped around his chair.

English: Blake Shelton at the 45th Annual Acad...

This will be one campaign event with no stump speechifying, debate zingers, scripted answers, or gotcha questions.  All that will matter to the judges are vocals that preserve their sense of hearing.   During the musical duel, expect to see dramatic cutaways to the campaign teams in the green room jumping up and down and imploring Blake Shelton to press his red button.  Others will simply implore Christina Aguilera to jump up and down.



A hacker friend sent me the following:

Sheldon Addison
Venetian Hotel                                                                                                                     Macao

Dear Newt,

Your not-so-terrific showing in the recent Republican primaries is making me reconsider whether your Presidential candidacy can realistically advance the cause of Israel.

It’s not that I haven’t appreciated your words of support over the years, but when it comes to making a case for Eretz Yisrael, my granddaughters—Caitlin, Chrissy, and Hayley—have become serious competitors for my financial support.

How can a trio of twenty-somethings influence minds in a way that a former House speaker can’t?  Well, it seems that, semi-literate blonde girls have been making history ever since Joan of Arc.  These girls are not just family.  They’re a street team who bill themselves as “Hot and Half-Jewish and What You Gonna Do ‘Bout It?”

The question is, who has been more effective generating goodwill for Israel?  You, your primary opponents, or my granddaughters?

Mitt Romney.  He seems to like the idea of Israel but might feel a stronger connection to the large number of dearly departed in the Promised Land now lining up for their free Mormon conversion.

Newt Gingrich.  There’s a Yom Kippur video showing you, Newt, jimmying open the McDonalds on Ben Yehuda Avenue so Calista can have a McRib Sandwich.  In the election business we call that an oopsie.

My granddaughters.  With little more than their bikinis and little fur shtreimels, Chrissy, Caitlin, and Hayley, created a rabid, pop-lockin’ Purim flash mob.  Only in the Orthodox part of Jerusalem did people scream, “Prostitute!”   Unfortunately, their procession never got close to the Dome of the Rock which was booked that day for a stoning.

You want to know effective, Newt?  My gorgeous girls and their little street team have also made serious inroads in enemy territory:  Hollywood.

What kind of serious inroads?   Mel Gibson invited them to his court-ordered Seder.

They’re so busy they had to reply “Maybe” to Madonna’s Evite for her Kaballah Blow-out.

I admit we still have plenty of work to do to create a convincing firewall for their Super PAC financing.  But Chrissy reassured me with this promise:  “I checked with my girl, Sarah, who’s a total bitch about money and I said, “Do you have a problem what that?” And she’s like “Nah.”

That’s outreach, bubbie.