Following a savage rhetorical beating at the hands of his opponent, President Obama has taken the campaign battle to the Romney team with a daring, new challenge. A one-night only singing competition between the candidates on “The Voice.” Obama’s handlers laid out their strategy this way: “If we can’t use actual sidearms, a free-market musical skirmish has got to be the next best way to settle this thing.”
Deprived of his usual trick-bag of rhetorical traps, President Obama will have to rely on a silky falsetto and, to nudge the army of unmotivated millennial white kids, a knit beanie. With voting constituencies of challenger and incumbent hardened before the actual election day showdown, both candidates are confident a singing competition will connect them to the undecided portion of the electorate. (Political demographers have analyzed and parsed this group into two subgroups: 1) People committed to their indecision. 2) The Re-undecided.)
Hoping his hard luck story will resonate with the judges. Romney laid out his plan. “I can’t imitate Al Green like Obama but I surely can make “Let’s Stay Together” my own by transforming it into a marching band piece. It’s amazing how you can improve rhythm & blues by muffling the rhythm with a high-velocity mixture of styrofoam and other petroleum-based products.”
Now, Mixmaster Mitt has to dig deep to find a song about deregulation that will make the chairs of Adam, Christina, and Blake spin in his direction. Until Cee-Lo Green supplies a picture I.D. and an electric bill, a Denver Boot will be clamped around his chair.
This will be one campaign event with no stump speechifying, debate zingers, scripted answers, or gotcha questions. All that will matter to the judges are vocals that preserve their sense of hearing. During the musical duel, expect to see dramatic cutaways to the campaign teams in the green room jumping up and down and imploring Blake Shelton to press his red button. Others will simply implore Christina Aguilera to jump up and down.